If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
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For the ones in the back.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
getting corrected
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.