Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?

Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.

I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…

I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger

8: YOU stop growing bigger

And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined

PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy

ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.

That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?

Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes

I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?

Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake

Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater

say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera

how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower

me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman

also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

😭

If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family

me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs

Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”

[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.

If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.

In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.

When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.

[at my funeral]

pastor: hey this casket is empty

me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries

Ethan isn’t playing around this semester

I can fix him.

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.