if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
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my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
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