If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
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(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
My dating profile:
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.