If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
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Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose