Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”

[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*

Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*

[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]

khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex

Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.

Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.

Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?

damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count

As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.

I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”

johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp

Me: Why were my tests so expensive?

Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.

Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?

Hospital: Our fax machine was down.

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?

There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle