If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
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Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲