Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…

Seems a bit forward

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great

Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.

Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.

I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.

My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:

Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.

Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

I hate avocados

*gets kicked out of California*

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test

[at Goodwill store]

*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*

6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often

Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”

Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.

Loan Officer: Proposed name?

WP: Hamwitches

[long pause]

LO: Hell yes.

I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…

Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?

Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.

Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.

Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.

Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.

“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”

famous last (known whereabouts) words