If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
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“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”