If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
You Might Also Like
Body by Oreos
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier