If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
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Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.