if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
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Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
that wasn’t the question
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.