if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
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1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
got so much cardio in today
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Thaw me like one of your french fries
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Sure. Why not?
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.