if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
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“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
mom gave me mine for free
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating