Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”

Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.

American recipes are litch like

•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste

We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting

I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.

The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”

~Bamm Bamm

Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.

My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.

I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

awkward

Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?

She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.

Damn, this hole is wet

*I say right after stepping into a puddle

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.

[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired

If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van