Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is the final season of Young Sheldon.

I hope they don’t kill him off.

Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?

Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad

Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and

No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around

Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.

“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”

– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.

16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’

Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’

16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘

Me: *slam

Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.

[after divorce]

I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.

Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.

this is what they would have looked like, though

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!

Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes

Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.

Wife: London. He means London.

The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.

traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi

I’ll never salute you, General Settings

🍛

There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.

Delicious meat.

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.

Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭