if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
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Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread