if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
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Happy Febuary everyone!
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.