Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes

Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.

When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.

Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.

Why is a good book described as a real page turner?

That’s my minimum requirement in a book

Pages that turn

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.

At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.

Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder

I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.

My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.

This is going to be a meme FOREVER:

old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?

inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.