Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace

When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?

Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD

The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.

Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?

If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now

TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess

*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board

A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE

[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.

When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”

just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢

Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”

So I took his Visa

Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.

I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.

Reasons my 4yr old is crying:

She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”

Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.

*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-

Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.