Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.

Her: I’m leaving…

Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.

Her:…for the store.

Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?

getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company

FRIEND: hertz?

ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does

I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit

We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.

GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!

Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–

GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN

me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?

6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!

me: aw, because I’m coming home?

6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”

🔦🌙👣

“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.

I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

Just grow your own

Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards

This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert

Sucks when good bands have dumb names.

“What are you listening to?”

“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”

“…”

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.

Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.

Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.

Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”

Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered

My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.

I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean

Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”