If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
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Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
I’m hunting wabbits…
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
if my sleeping schedule was a person
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
every college guy’s fridge
