If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
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If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
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“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Very problematic
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When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁