Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo

As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.

i’m a 10 (tion deficit)

If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade

Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head

ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?

JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?

Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.

Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵

Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.

Send help.

We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.

I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.

When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

The darkness in me is making me sneeze.

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.

I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”

If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.

health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water

snowman exchange student: (raises hand)

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.

My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.