If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
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I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.