If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
You Might Also Like
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water