If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
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Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.