If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
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Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
“What do your tattoos mean?”
That I cannot be trusted with $700, Susan. That’s what they mean.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Best table by far
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.