If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
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A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
*pronounces fake like saké*
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.