Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction

me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints

jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

[karate class]

Sensei: break this board with your hands

Me: why can’t I use an axe?

Sensei: because I hate you

One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?

Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.

Calls restaurant:

Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.

My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills

I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again

Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.

*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*

no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby

I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods

People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.

presenting your incognito window wrapped

Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

[first date]

Date: how much do you drink a week?

Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.

Date: right.. Let’s do shots.

Me: i love shots.

Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.

Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!

When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time

ME: I’m scared of dying alone.

SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.

whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”