Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.

[First date]

Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*

Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.

therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

Phonetics

Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?

GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”

ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way

Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.

“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”

– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong

My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure

[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored

You are not alone 💚

*exercises sarcastically*

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.

Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.