People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
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We need a weapon that hits something only hard enough to really annoy it, then turns back around & attacks us! -Inventor of the Boomerang.
A jogger just yelled at me for accidentally blowing pot smoke in his face. So I yelled at him for making me feel fat.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Facebook is a good reminder that I went to school with idiots.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Sex Tip: if a guy tells you you’re hot during sex, ask him to define his parameters for beauty because physical attraction is subjective
Spent all last night mouthing words to my dog to try and convince him that he’d gone deaf.
You know you are getting old when you have to scroll down, scroll down, and scroll down some more, to select the year you were born.
I hear you knocking at my door. You thinking I’m going to answer it is your second mistake.