If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
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is frankincense just very honest incense?
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.