Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
You Might Also Like
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Well well well…
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*