Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away

BOSS: Show the new guy around.

(Hours Later)

NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.

ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

My wife has the worst taste in men.

I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time

I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.

I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.

“This is all water! Now that was misleading”

-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.

wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you

Dr Frankenstein: he has a name

wife: DOES HE

If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper

If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now

I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.

If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.

who wants to go expliring

ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it

I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’

Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’

Therapist: ‘Really?’

Me: ‘No.’

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.

genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes

me: i wish for unlimited genies

genie: son of a

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.