Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?

Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –

Son: Mom!

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.

I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.

4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?

Me: of course, bud.

4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.

My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*

Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!

well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.

6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*

Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait

At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.

Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.

*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7

My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao

Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.

STOP disrespecting my family

my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG

my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE

my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND

me

my grandmother is A SAINT

If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.

I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.

I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.

‘I want to gossip but professionally.’

– news anchors

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.

“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”

TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.

Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?