Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
“in defiance of the prophecies”
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
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It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Imma need the barbs, beyhive, k pop stan Twitter, navy, and retired 1D stans to join forces and rig this election. I know y’all can do it
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Called a restaurant to make a reservation but couldn’t think of the word so asked for a food appointment and now I can never show my face there again
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Welcome to your 40s.
Why did I come into this room?