If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
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It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead