If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.

You Might Also Like


Academic paper protip:

end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
“in defiance of the prophecies”


It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.


Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?



Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?


My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.


Imma need the barbs, beyhive, k pop stan Twitter, navy, and retired 1D stans to join forces and rig this election. I know y’all can do it


Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right


[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby


Called a restaurant to make a reservation but couldn’t think of the word so asked for a food appointment and now I can never show my face there again


My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.