@neiltyson

If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.

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@GalaxyKate

Academic paper protip:

end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”

@DiamondLou69

It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.

@lmegordon

Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?

Me:

Host:

Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?

@gerryhallcomedy

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

@sarah_ogun

Imma need the barbs, beyhive, k pop stan Twitter, navy, and retired 1D stans to join forces and rig this election. I know y’all can do it

@AdamTheLobster

Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right

@squirrel74wkgn

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby

@BisHilarious

Called a restaurant to make a reservation but couldn’t think of the word so asked for a food appointment and now I can never show my face there again

@Jesssicle

My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.