If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
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[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit