If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
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Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Uh oh…
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.