If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
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When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
An odd boast
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?