If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
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National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
u spoke cat all this time??????
You might just have to resign…
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
💯😂
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably