Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat: [coughing up a hairball]

French tutor: very good

I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently

I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why

Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.

I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.

Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle as I pay 🎶

whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on

Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.

I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.

The ladies call me Space Mountain…

…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.

Wooooohhhhooooo!!!

[every game of Words with Friends with me]

Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points

Me: plays POO for 6

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.

JUDAS: any weekend plans?

JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided

JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both

JESUS: what?

JUDAS: what?

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.

when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van

Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”

It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.

IRL

I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?