Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?

Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.

[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]

Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.

5 year old: *cries*

Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?

Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –

Son: Mom!

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.

ME: Ok, I will.

[later that day]

ME: I quit

BOSS: WHAT??

ME: I said, nice squid

Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.

Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.

My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby

“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo

[Arby’s]

Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when

No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!

her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me

People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body

People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk

HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!

UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo

(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang

What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end

*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.