If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
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Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
2022 be like
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband