If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
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[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.