If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
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Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.