If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
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If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
you have three unread messages
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up