If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
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I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!