If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
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She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down