If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
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I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
happy mother’s day❤️
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!