Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism

Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.

This toddler just ran up to me in Target, crying for me to pick him up. I didn’t know what to do, so I did & he stopped crying, immediately. His mom then walks up to me & says, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry sir. But you look just like his daddy” 💀.

I love books.

How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.

Except when I’m moving to a new place.

Then I hate books.

I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.

[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”

Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.

Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube

I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here

They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.

[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?

You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣

[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]

AND ANOTHER THING

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses

do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam

moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”

My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.

All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.