Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

[self checkout]

daaaaang i look good

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.

wife: “man, we’re broke.”

me: “that’s all about to change!”

wife: “how?”

me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”

*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”

Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.

A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.

“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?

Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

i don’t think it’ll all fit in there

Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:

5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!

Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.