If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
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Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately