Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do

You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?

That’s the whole month of January for me

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…

Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!

Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.

– 11, missing the point of Lent

I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…

All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.

~inspirational tweet

guy: [drinking a coke]

me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.

“You look tired”

Well you’re crap at compliments.

My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.

Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there

Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.

Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet

My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.

vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.

Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”

ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm

Fails drug test.

Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important