If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
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*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
My favorite detail about the assassination is that the guy fled into an alley. That’s really hard to do in New York. We have like five of those and most are shut down to film law and order episodes.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents