If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
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Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth