If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
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The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
no such thing as a dumb question
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Not messing around
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream