If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
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Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.