If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
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Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
liiiiiiiiike
LOL
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]