@KentWGraham

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

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@bugbucket

wonder why’s theres a pizza laying here in the middle of the woods *eats it* *dies 82 years later* dammit it was a trap

@rockymomax

ME: someone stole my credit card number

BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?

ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them

@anerdonfire2

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.

@iBrowniEd

Saw a Justin Bieber CD taped to a wall. You better believe I took it, you never know when you will need a piece of tape.

@jimmytorosian

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

@theycallmeivy20

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

@OldPappyThomas

If I was a Hedge Fund losing billions to Reddit shitposters, I would get a second job driving for Uber, cut out the Starbuck’s, and skip the avocado toast.

@NotOnTheMoors

Which sadist decided to make the packaging around Band-Aids so difficult to open, considering you’re usually bleeding when you need one?

@DaddyJew

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

@KrangTNelson

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops