wonder why’s theres a pizza laying here in the middle of the woods *eats it* *dies 82 years later* dammit it was a trap
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
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ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Saw a Justin Bieber CD taped to a wall. You better believe I took it, you never know when you will need a piece of tape.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
If I was a Hedge Fund losing billions to Reddit shitposters, I would get a second job driving for Uber, cut out the Starbuck’s, and skip the avocado toast.
Which sadist decided to make the packaging around Band-Aids so difficult to open, considering you’re usually bleeding when you need one?
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops