If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
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When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Children of the corn 🌽
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.
He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:
— where they were all rural cattle farmers.