Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

[First Date]

Me: I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.

Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.

Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.

HAHAHAHAHA!

Just kidding. He totally threw up.

Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?

9yo: Who took my hair tie?

Me: I didn’t.

9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.

ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second

I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.

Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public

Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.

[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles

Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur

My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.

Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless

My birthstone is kidney

Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.

Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.

My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.

My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”

And now we wait…