If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
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I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.
[eulogy]
line?
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that