Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]

The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.

This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself

Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.

DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.

ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*

Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.

Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day

Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery

Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness

Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone

Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?

My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.

Me: …

Him: …

Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.

Him: How have you lived this long?

If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.

Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!

All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.

Murder* documentaries**

“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro

i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.

Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.

Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?

Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it

Not long enough ahhh haha ha

Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?

“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”

-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting

Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist