Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen

I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.

Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me

Me: OMG just get in the shower

Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.

Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

Well well well if it isn’t the same bill I couldn’t afford to pay in a different color

*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls

[At Police Station]

“You can make one phone call”

*Dials random #

“Is your fridge running?”

Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.

My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.

Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it

I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.

My husband and I are having a serious fight.

Do you think I should let him know about it?

My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.

[Spills wine]

“My medicine!!”

Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.

Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.

Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.

I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.

i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want

6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

Husband: *dies laughing*

As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”

[Doctor’s Office]

Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….

Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*

Me: A storm is coming

My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?

Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds