If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
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[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
termites walking up to the ark: two please
noah: any dietary restrictions?
termite: yeah we only eat woo—
noah:
termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool
noah:
termites:
noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Said the murderer.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms