If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
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I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Thrilling chase underway
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”