Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Follows dreams

*Ends up at refrigerator.

I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.

No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.

Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?

We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.

If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.

I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang

[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain

I did not take a DNA test…

Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.

do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.

If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.

Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target

Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.

Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked