If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
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In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
I already tried new things thanks.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?