If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
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No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
When you’re here for the treats.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.