Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

was Jim off killing horses or…

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”

Customer: can you help me?

Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”

The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.

Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

Them: What’s wrong with you?

Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*

I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.

The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

disney ceo: live action little mermaid

animator: yep

ceo: it’s in the ocean

animator: got it

ceo: coral reefs

animator: understood

ceo: lots of fish

animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?

This guy is full of crap

-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women

A leaf blower, but for people.

As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed

Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”

Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face

Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”

Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train

When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers