Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
You Might Also Like
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
(yawn)
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Kermit goes Blue.