If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
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So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Namaste
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.