If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
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Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
listen closely
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one