If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
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TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
For the baby who has everything
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
He took my last fry, your honor
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!