If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
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If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
so i’m at the stock market right
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks