If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Good morning
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.