If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
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“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
They got a point!
🤣😂🤣
Not saying I was a gullible kid but my sister once gave me scissors and said “Grandma needs us to trim the carpet”
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..
I said, you too..
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child