If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
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Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
How to walk around a museum
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.