Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.

Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*

It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one

Fortune Cookie:

For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.

Cardio Made Easy

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.

That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us

The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.

May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.

It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on

Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?

Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.

When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.

Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.

host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”

I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.

Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?

Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed

ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons