Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]

Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes

Me: All vans are moving vans LOL

Her: And this is why we’re leaving

Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?

McKay Coppins:

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”

*Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?

Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now

Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work

Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.

Me: No, two of those are clean.

“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid

People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”

Me if I was a dog

*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*

“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?

Me: Yes but

Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?

Me: What you have to understand is

Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”

[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?

{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear

Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

“I think therefore I am”

–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four

This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.

-talking to drunks & puppies

Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch

Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.