if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
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billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Awwwww shit.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
A Short Story.
new year update: losing everything but weight
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
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